Dualities: BDSM and the non BDSM partner

I can recite from my mind an event too common in Portugal as in many other countries out there

 

 

Husband and wife live an apparent normal life

 

 

A nice house, good careers, two kids and a dog

 

 

Everything needed to be considered “living the good dream”

 

 

Nevertheless, outside the dream the bitter reality bites in

 

 

Long hours where there is no contact

 

 

Strange smells on the clothing worn

 

 

Unusual scratches and bites on the body

 

 

Returning home just to go straight for a bath after little or no contact with you

 

 

No explanations given or explanations that sound like lies

 

 

Unusual emotional explosions with no apparent reason

 

 

Continuous smoking and drinking even on peaceful events

 

 

Avoiding sexual contact even when you do the advances

 

 

You have seen the fiction on TV, but reality many time surpasses what is shown

 

 

You feel it on your gut that there is a problem and probably he is cheating on you, but you cannot confirm

 

 

I could paint a pretty picture for you, but I would just be lying to you

 

 

He is indeed cheating on you

 

 

You might think that the problem will go away in time

 

 

That is is just a casual event

 

 

 

Let us not be naive

 

 

It isn’t

 

 

It is never a question if he will have a chance to do it, but if he will do it

 

 

If you consider BDSM as something that your partner enjoys, but it is something you are ashamed or you do not find appealing enough to do, then you can be sure that one day that desire will come out of the closet it is kept with a bigger or smaller explosion, according to how much time has passed since his last encounter with it

 

 

People have different tastes in life and being together with someone does not mean that you will share all the same tastes or even that the desire to do it will be synchronized between the two of you

 

 

We are all human beings, with faults and virtues

 

 

Being together means accepting the full package and not just the parts you like

 

 

Even if a superhuman effort is made, the truth will come out eventually

 

 

There are four options at your disposal according to how much you love your partner.

 

 

You may choose to quit the relationship

 

 

You may choose to close your eyes to the events that happen behind you

 

 

You may choose to sacrifice your moral standards in the name of your relationship and play with him

 

 

You may choose to walk side by side with his choices and keep the space warm for when he returns

 

 

Every choice has a price on you so make no mistake about it

 

 

Doing nothing is also an action

 

 

If you choose to end everything because you made a discovery of an inner private part of your partner, you are free to do so

 

It just means that you were only in love with the façade that he displays and there is nothing to sustain your relationship

 

 

 

Either way it is bound to fail sooner or later

 

 

BDSM does not necessarily revolve around sexual pleasure

 

 

Many times it doesn’t even have sexual contact

 

 

There is a different type of pleasure extracted from it

 

 

But there is pleasure indeed, in a form that you may not be able to provide

 

 

Nevertheless there are other forms of pleasure you cannot give to him, like playing sports, watching soccer with his old gang, something that requires social interaction that you will not be present in

 

 

 

If you are even afraid of these, then probably you should lock him up to the wall of your home, but that he would probably enjoy

 

 

Playing the part that your partner desires is another option, but if you are not comfortable playing or you don’t like doing it, there is no point in trying

 

 

If you are with someone for some time you can tell if he is enjoying it or not

 

 

If he likes you he will not request it again and everything will stay as it was before.

 

 

If you are playing, do it for real

 

 

Enter the role to the deepest level you can

 

 

Discover the rewards that come from living the part

 

 

Many people have discovered that and do it

 

 

See how much money was made from a couple of grey shades

 

 

Just imagine if you use all the colour range in your mind

 

 

The worst option possible is closing your eyes to the events that happen

 

 

BDSM is a dangerous game to play

 

 

Not all players play by rules or care for the well-being of their opposite players

 

 

If you don’t know the “when” and the “who”, if events go for the worst there is no way for you to find out anything

 

 

Not caring for what he does just means what it really is

 

 

You don’t care for him

 

 

The final option is being there for him, knowing when it happens and with whom (or at least know the address where he is), even if that is kept in a closed envelope just in case

 

 

You may also set rules regarding what he can and can’t do, allowing him to enjoy himself while maintaining the normal household environment

 

 

If you are brave enough, you may even consider meeting face to face with the one your partner will meet

 

 

Although rare, it is not unusual for the players to be both knowledgeable and articulate enough to have a proper conversation outside of the role he plays in the game

 

 

The most limits that this life sets are defined by ourselves

 

 

Consider all the pros and cons and make the best choice possible

 

In the end, what really matters is your happiness together